


Don't Look

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-26
Updated: 1999-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-11 00:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11137755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Love doesn't conquer all.





	Don't Look

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).
    
    
      Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in the following
    story. They are all owned by Alliance and they will all be returned in
    fairly good condition.       
    
     I wrote this story over a span of  two weeks, listening to nothing but
    Loreena McKennitt and Sarah McLachlan. It pairs Kowalski and Fraser.
    I adore Vecchio, but I fell in love with Kowalski the moment I laid eyes
    on him. He has a vulnerability about him and I find that so irresistable.
    It's my first fan fiction and first slash story, so I'd really like to
    know what you think. You can e-mail me at:
    
      R for M/M premise, slash, drama, romance, violence, and the death of
    a major character.  
    
                                           Don't Look
    
        Ray Kowalski sighed deeply. A warm, hungry tongue moved past his
    parted lips and invaded his mouth. Strong arms slipped around his waist,
    pulling him close. Too soon the kiss was over, but the embrace remained.
    A soft voice breathed '"I love you." into his ear. Oh, those words. He
    opened his dark eyes and looked into the icy blues of his lover. "Benny...",
    he whispered. The Mountie cupped his face in his hand, the slight growth
    of beard pricked his palm. "I can't do this anymore.", Ray said. His
    voice sounded so hollow, so foreign to him."I can't." Fraser blinked,
    his confusion obvious. "Ray?" The detective gently removed Benton's hand
    from his face.
    "It's a distraction. When we started this, we promised ourselves that
    it wouldn't effect our work." "And it hasn't.", the Mountie said softly.
    "Yes, it has!", Ray cried out,"Our work has started to suffer. Or at
    least my work has." His face was growing red. "You don't understand what
    you do to me!"A terrible hurt flickered across Benton's eyes and it so
    pulled at Ray's heart that he turned away. "You are all I can ever think
    about anymore, Benny." His voice was calm once more. "I-" He took a shaky
    breath."Attachments are getting too intense. I think we should just stay
    friends and partners. Nothing more." His back was still to Ben when he
    heard his lover muster voice enough to say, "Understood." Ray sighed.
    There, it's done. He swallowed, still able to taste Ben, the smooth texture
    of the man's skin still etched on his fingertips. He balled his hands
    into fists and attempted to push back the flood of memories that were
    threatening to weaken him and drive him back into Benny's arms. The door
    opened, bringing him out of his thoughts. "Fraser, wait. Please don't
    lea-" When he turned he saw that the Mountie was already gone. "Damn.",
    the detective whispered.
                                  
                                             **** 
    
            A dark cloud of doubt surrounded Ray on Monday, the same that
    had followed him throughout the weekend. He sat at his desk, picking
    at the glazed donut before him. Since Friday, sleeping and eating lacked
    purpose. The foods he once loved had suddenly lost their flavor. Sleep
    meant restless, miserable dreams. He awoke feverish, sweating and reached
    instinctively for Benny, but his hands closed on an empty bed. At those
    times, he took the pillow into his arms and curled his body around it,
    still able to smell Fraser on the soft cotton covering. Have I made a
    mistake? "Ray?", he glanced up. Welsh was standing over him, one hand
    on the other man's shoulder. "Sleeping alright, Detective?" Ray ran his
    fingers through his spiky blond hair. "We- Actually, no." Oh, man, I
    must look like shit. Aware that Welsh was still watching him, he asked,
    "Is there something I can do for you, sir?" The lieutenant nodded. "I
    just received a call from Inspector Thatcher. Constable Fraser failed
    to show up for work this morning. She tried to contact him, but to no
    avail." A feeling of dread came over Ray. He stood slowly and took hold
    of his coat. "I'll check up on him." Welsh nodded again and disappeared
    into his office. 
                                                          
                                            ****                        
    
             Ray's heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest as he drove
    to Benny's apartment. On the stairs, his stomach was contracting nervously.
    He was surprised to see Diefenbaker sitting patiently outside Fraser's
    door. "How is he, Dief?" The wolf whined miserably. As soon as Ray opened
    the door Diefenbaker scrambled inside and set about to eating some spagetti
    that had been left in his bowl. "Benny?" Out of the corner of his eye
    he caught movement on the cot and the mattress creaked loudly as Ben
    stood. He was barefoot, dressed only in the regulation pants, suspenders
    and undershirt. "What are you doing here, Ray?", he asked. His voice
    was cold, distant and his words slightly slurred. Kowalski observed the
    man's steps,shaky and slow. "Ben, you've been drinking." It seemed that
    the sentence made no sense. Fraser was close to him now and he caught
    the smell of rum on his breath. Ray didn't resist when his partner, his
    lover, slipped into his arms and buried his face against the detective's
    shoulder. "Why?", he whispered, smoothing the slighty disheveled dark
    hair. The words 'I love you' rumbled from within Benny and were muffled
    against Kowalski. The Mountie's long fingers curled into the lapels of
    Ray's coat and suddenly he was tasting the Captain Morgan on Ben's lips
    and tongue. Within his mind, everything was screaming for a halt, but
    his body was pressing ever closer to his lover. He was aware of moving,
    but he couldn't really feel his legs. 
       Ray was laid gently on the bed, looking up at Benny. The Mountie caressed
    his face lovingly. "You're so beautiful, Ray.", he whispered. Benton's
    gaze was heart-breaking. His fingers brushed his lover's lips and he
    was amused to see Kowalski's tongue slip out anxiously to taste them.
    A cool draft passed over Ray and made him realize he had lost both coat
    and shirt, though he had no recollection of removing them. Benny's hands
    slid over his naked chest, and Ray managed a choked gasp of longing as
    his lover descended upon him. 
                                                                   
                                           ****
         
        They lay naked in each other's arms, finding peace in sleep for the
    first time since Friday last. Fraser woke before Ray, but remained beside
    him, taking a special pleasure in watching his lover sleep. The sight
    of Ray's badge and gun on the table reminded him that he had not yet
    contacted Inspector Thatcher. She would be reasonably furious. He tried
    to slip away quietly, so as not to disturb the detective, but no sooner
    had he removed his hand from his lover's, that Ray awoke. "Please stay
    with me, Ben." His voice was soft, pleading and for the first time, he
    appeared to have a certain china doll fragility about him. "Alright,
    Ray.", Benton whispered and pulled him into his arms. Even as Kowalski
    sighed contentedly and relaxed against him, a shudder of fear shot through
    Fraser. An image of Ray lying still in an alley, blood pooling beneath
    him, snow falling over his body, caused Benny to gasp. He shook his head
    and trembling, pulled the detective ever closer in a protective embrace.
    "Don't look, son." Robert Fraser was standing at the foot of the bed.
    Still shaken, Ben took a nervous breath. "Can I have some privacy, Dad?",
    he asked, wrapping the fleece blanket tighter around the slumbering Kowalski.
    "Can't change your fate, son." The sadness in his father's voice pulled
    him to attention. "What-" The ghost had vanished."Dad?" No answer. Don't
    look? 
       
                                           ****
    
          By dusk he'd forgotten all about his father's strange comment.
    He and Ray had spent most of the day in bed, fooling around, talking.
    Most of the time it was just enough to just be together, so close. Fraser
    didn't actually get around to calling the Consulate until seven, while
    Ray was taking a shower. Inspector Thatcher, as he predicted, was fairly
    annoyed, but for whatever reason let the incident slide without too much
    verbal reprimand. 
        Ray was already out of the shower when Fraser walked back into the
    apartment. With the towel wrapped around his waist, his hair wet and
    his whole body glistening with moisture, he stole the Mountie's breath.
    "You look very appetizing, Ray." The blond detective blushed, a reaction
    which  made Ben want him even more. But Kowalski was already dressing.
    Not that this bothered Ben. Dressing or undressing, he found the man
    intensely sensual. "Do you want to get something to eat?", Ray asked
    as he finished buttoning his shirt. Benny nodded. "Sure."
                                           ****
    
                For Ray, the shower had been wonderfully relaxing. It gave
    him time to gather his thoughts, think clearly. He couldn't do much of
    that around Benny. The mere presence of the Mountie turned him into some
    sniveling, lovelorn teenager. His heart always gave a jump, he felt flustered
    and his knees turned to slush. Beneath the steady spray of the shower,
    cold water running down his chest and back, he realized that there was
    no living without Benny. As much as he had tried to deny it to himself,
    to mutter over and over that this was nothing more than a passing infatuation,
    he couldn't fight it anymore. The time he had spent with Fraser today
    had broken down the walls of defense. He now belonged to Benton completely.
    But he had no intention of admitting that. 
    
                                           ****
    
       Dinner turned into a simple cup of coffee. Ray talked about the case
    he was currently working on. A drug smuggling ring that had started out
    a street corner operation had suddenly gotten very.....noticeable. They
    couldn't bust the guys because the bastards always seemed to be one step
    ahead. Ray suspected there was a leak in the force, but there was no
    way to prove it or to locate the level of power to which it streatched.
    But the tide was turning. "So this junkie snitch I know comes to me,
    needing money. Give alittle, you get alittle. Turns out there's a new
    shipment coming in. Setup, the warehouses along the waterfront. Four
    nights from now. I'm keeping this quiet until the last minute. No way
    to leak it then. And I have a good feeling, we can nail these assholes."
    At those words Benny shuddered, his blood ran cold and again came the
    terrible flashes of Ray lying in a puddle of his own blood. "Benny, hey,
    are you o.k.?" Kowalski's hand was lightly holding his own. "Benny?"
    Fraser gasped and looked into the detective's eyes. So alive, the bright
    flames of passion dancing in the dark orbs. "What's wrong?", he asked
    gently. Benton shook his head.
    "N-nothing. I just-nothing. I'm fine." Ray raised an eyebrow.
    "Yeah," he replied sarcastically, "you look fine." Oblivious to who might
    be watching, Benny leaned forward and pressed his lips to those of his
    lover. "Don't worry.", he said assuringly after he'd sat back again.
    Ray was worried. The expression of terror in the Mountie's eyes, the
    way the color drained from his face, made the detective uneasy. But Benny
    didn't want to talk about it and he decided not to push it. 
                                        
                                          ****
    
             Life went on as usual. Benny didn't have anymore visions and
    those that had so frightened him ealier were soon laid aside, but not
    completely forgotten. He and Ray lived each hour in anticipation of seeing
    each other. Every moment that Benton was with Ray felt like a fantasy.
    And, for his part, Ray was deleriously happy. Having finally accepted
    that he was in love with Benny had taken a great strain off his shoulders.
    Everything that came before it was just chaos. Even Stella, who he was
    so sure he couldn't live without, was a distant, faded memory. 
          Friday. Ray disclosed all information to Welsh in the morning and
    great pains were taken in preparing for the bust. There would be no mistakes
    this time and, with any luck, not a shot fired. Ray noticed a strange
    edginess in Benton that day. The Mountie was extremely nervous, unusually
    clingy and Ray found it hard to leave Benny's arms to even put his coffee
    mug in the sink. He questioned his lover's behavior, but the other remained
    curiously tight-lipped. When it was time for Ray to leave for the bust,
    he literally had to fight Ben to release him. "You'll be careful?", he
    whispered sullenly at the door. Ray captured his lover's face and gave
    to him an affectionate kiss that was not returned. "I'm always careful.",
    he replied, stung by Benny's sudden detachment. 
       
                                         ****
    
       In the locker room, as he strapped on the last of his gear and checked
    his gun, Ray couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness that Ben's change
    in demeanor had left in him. But this was not the time to dwell on it.
    He needed a clear head now. Kowalski turned to close the locker door.
    "I don't want to see you get hurt." Ray spun around. Fraser was standing
    behind him, stetson in hand, head bowed. He sighed. "Benny, what's with
    you? You're supposed to be the optomistic one. It's a simple drug bust.
    They won't even be expecting us." "I just can't- I can't live without
    you.", the Mountie confessed weakly. Ray's heart sank at those words.
    He reached out for his lover and pulled him to him. Cradling Fraser,
    he murmured the words he'd always been so terrified to say. "I love you,
    Ben. So much." Benny looked at him and he saw the tears drowning the
    beautiful blue eyes. Ray kissed away the salty drops as they made trails
    down Fraser's cheeks. Their lips met and Benton pushed Ray up against
    the locker hard, deepening the kiss. Ray's arms came around his neck
    and he surrendered. His fingers curled into Benton's hair as ravenous
    lips moved fiercely over his neck. "Ben," he managed, gasping, "please."
    Reluctantly, Benton let him go and they leaned against each other, both
    men breathing in sharp, ragged breaths. Ray sighed and pressed his forehead
    to his lover's. "Oh man, Benny, what are you doing to me?" The Mountie
    was still too aroused to speak. "I have to go.", the detective said.
    He moved away from Fraser, though their hands were still linked. "Just
    come back to me.", was Fraser's soft reply. Ray kissed the back of his
    hand. "I always do." He offered his lover a glowing smile of confidence
    before departing. 
       Ever restless, Fraser decided to return to the Consulate and catch
    up on some paper work. No sooner did he settle down behind his desk,
    however, that his head fell onto this folded arms and he slept. 
    
                  			     ****
    
    	  Shots fired. the tall man in the Italian suit had fled with the money,
    but not before taking down the police officer closest to him. Ray and
    Huey took off after him, as the other dealers were handcuffed and read
    their rights.   Through the darkened alleyways behind the warehouses,
    Ray led the chase. Feet pounded pavement, adreneline rushed. The suspect
    knocked over a stack of boxes, attempting to hinder the detectives. Ray
    lept over the clatter easily; Huey crashed into them. Realizing that
    the heavy vest was slowing him down, Kowalski stripped himself of the
    thing before continuing. Huey's angry objections were lost behind him.
    But as he made his way down the alley he came upon a dead end with no
    sight of the shooter. "Shit!", Ray hissed, enraged with himself. And
    then a pebble fell from above. Glancing up, he saw movement on the fire
    escape. "Son of a bitch.", he muttered. Gripping the top bar, Ray swung
    up onto the grate and lifted his gun in front of him. Silence. His eyes
    scanned the darkness. A light snow had begun to fall, confusing his search.
    And then he heard the safety click off a weapon not his own. A breath
    caught in his throat. The shots lit the night in sharp controlled bursts.
    The bullets tore deep into his flesh and he fell back, landing hard against
    the pavement below. 
    
    "Ray!" Huey ran in the direction of the shots, the sound of his own heart
    was deafening in his ears.           He could see nothing except the
    dark and the falling snow.
    "Vecchio!" There was no reply. He couldn't see him.
    "Kowalski!" Huey stopped running, listened. There was a soft moan, a
    whimper carried by the wind. He continued ahead at a sprint. Under the
    fire escape a weakening lamp cast a sickly light on Ray Kowalski, who
    lay still on the floor. Huey was on his knees beside the fallen detective,
    looking over the wounds. His blood was seeping away, drenching his shirt,
    pooling beneath him. "Ray." Kowalski turned his head to him.Huey could
    see the life and passion draining from his eyes. "You just hang in there
    with me, man." He squeezed his hand reassuringly. 
         As the pain borrowed into his brain, delerium defeated reason. Ray
    could feel himself dying. Huey was beside him, screaming for an ambulance.
    Kowalski could see his lips moving, but heard no words. The snow was
    falling harder now; small flecks of ice weighed his eyelashes, blurred
    his vision. And then Huey's voice through the screaming wind. "Ray, stay
    with me, man. You'll be fine." A gasped sob and he felt the blood rise
    in his throat. The last of his strength gathered in his voice and escaped
    in one terrible cry that rang above all other noise in the city. "Benny!"
    
                                          ****
    
      Fraser's head rose from his desk. His heart contracted as if it meant
    to strangle the life from him. "Ray?", he whispered.  The vision came
    once more. Suddenly he as walking through the alley toward Huey who was
    sqautted beside a prone figure on the icy asphalt. Between panicked cries
    for the medics he turned to speak words of comfort to the victim  before
    him. Benton's  head began to throb as his eyes moved over Huey to the
    fallen officer. "Ray.", he gasped. Kowalski opened his mouth as if to
    speak, but the words were lost among a final dying breath. An agonized
    cry rose in Ben and he squeezed his eyes shut. He was at his office in
    the Consulate again, on the floor beside the filing cabinet. Inspector
    Thatcher was holding his arms, attempting to calm him. A sorrowful Robert
    Fraser stood behind her. He shook his head sadly. "I told you not to
    look, son." 


End file.
